Reflections from the Frontline: Written at the end of 2020

   There are always at least two sides to every story and multiple ways to look at difficult times. This year has been filled with great tragedy. We have lost our grandparents, our uncles and aunts, our parents, our children, and those we hold dear. We have lost a sense of normalcy. Children are not going to school, people are losing jobs, and we are struggling to make ends meet. Our physical and emotional well being is threatened daily. How do we prevail? How can we gather post-pandemic resiliency? I think it stems from gratitude and our communities. Look around you, what are you grateful for? I am grateful to still be on this Earth surrounded by caring people knowing there is a LOT of work to be done.

   At the beginning of the pandemic, I felt anxious. There were so many uncertainties. However, it was with great privilege I placed on my personal protective equipment, logged countless hours on Zoom™, took a deep breath, and armed myself with as much knowledge as possible to help fight this virus. How long would this last? When would we find a cure? Here I am seven months later reflecting on the moments I had with patients and their families. Some would die and I might be one of the last humans they had contact with.

   I look into your eyes every morning, hoping the inflammation surrounding your brain lessens, and you are aware of who you are or where you are or what Godforsaken year this is. I just wish you could see your loved ones or hug them one last time. I remember helping you video chat your wife of 40 years who was in another country, and watching her burst into tears when she saw you. You told her that you loved her and in those moments, there was hope. The next day, despite all the best medical therapy we had at this time during the pandemic, your blood pressure dropped and you were transferred to the ICU. Despite all our modern medicine, you died shortly after. My heart breaks and I look through your chart meticulously thinking what did I miss. You let me in to your life and I got to see the strength of your bond, grateful we took the time to speak with your wife before you died, but sad you never made it home.

  Another story earlier on in the pandemic: three daughters who wanted the best for their father sent him a radio that played gospel music. He was at peace and smiling when it played. I would take the plastic covered iPad or my own iPhone into the room so your daughters could see you and tell you they loved you. You also were a victim of COVID19.

   These heart wrenching times are difficult. One can feel defeated. One must look toward science for answers. Despite the great losses we suffered this year, there were also numerous wins. Discharging patients with COVID19 from the hospital or hearing an announcement on the overhead of a patient being discharged always motivated me and gave me hope.  There were potential treatments but evidence based medicine takes time. Using steroids and higher doses of anticoagulation medications helped improve outcomes. I know there is more to life than medicine. People with small businesses who can't afford to stay shut down forever. I know our mental health is deteriorating. I just wish there was a sense of humanity stemming down from our leaders. Being a good leader means admitting to making mistakes. This year has been an us against them mentality. This virus unfavorably affects minorities, the elderly, and males greater than females. Instead of people shooting each other at the convenience store over a mask, can we not just be humans for a moment. 

  What if we all agreed to wear masks, stay home and get tested when we were sick or exposed to COVID19, and comprehend the world is larger than the individual? What if we cautiously look forward to a vaccine, trusting in the safety precautions set forth to ensure its safety. My wish for next year is for peace on Earth, human beings in our country and abroad to get along, and for our society to progress.